can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
worst night to have a conscience
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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