...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
