You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
