her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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