Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
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He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
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It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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