so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
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He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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