im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
