a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
