You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
