Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
