Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
