i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
