just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
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I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
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Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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