Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
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Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
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I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
is that a dick in a sweater?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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