My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize