dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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