The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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