Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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