3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
