I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
