sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
