You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
