He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.