are you still at the devil's house?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
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only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
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I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you