I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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