If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
