i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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