tell your sister to shave her snatch
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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