I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
