The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
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I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
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We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.