I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.