Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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