I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
