she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Randomize
