I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
