I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
