I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
