Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
