just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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