dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'd cum for enchiladas.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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