You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
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you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party