You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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