I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich