Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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