I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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