Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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