Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
