Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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