You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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