To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
