I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
