Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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