He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
