her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
