So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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