good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
if only i could text you this smell
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize