i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
