it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Gay?
German.
Pity.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
