Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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