She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
