I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
